I’ve compiled a list of people who have no reason to live. I’m sure it could be longer but my conscience is already bothering me, poking me with its bony little finger and whispering, “Remember that annoying thing you did the other day that probably drove fifty people to suicide, just so they wouldn’t have to share the globe with someone as irritating as you? Hmm?”
Be that as it may. My list still stands. If you are one of these people, I recommend you change your ways or stop reading right away.
1. Bikers and skiers. Who wear tight little suits. But aren’t professionals. And who take over the walking trails in winter and the roads in summer and expect all others to bow to the whims of their hobbies.
2. People who wear tight little suits of any kind.
3. People who think whispering is less of a disturbance than quiet speech. How. How can you think this. Even super smart amazing people think this, but they are wrong. Sssssssssssssss.
4. People who drive through an intersection while you’re still in the crosswalk. I do this a lot because I’m a big important person with PLACES TO BE LIKE, TEN MINUTES AGO, HELLLOO YOU HUMAN TURTLES. But when people do it to me? I look up the specific law that says you’re not supposed to do that, type it in double large font, print it on day-glo paper, find their house, and nail it to their pillow so it’s the first thing they’ll see every morning. Only then am I satisfied.
5. People who talk to me while I’m most obviously trying to write super crucial things, like this list.
6. People who talk to me.
7. People who don’t talk to me.
8. People who don’t drink real milk. Even if you’re lactose intolerant, you should drink real milk. I’m so serious right now. I’ve probably never been this serious in my entire life.
9. People who can shuffle cards without hurting themselves. If they are “people”.
10. Conspiracy theorists, paranoiacs, and people who think they know everything and are the judge of everyone else.
Be that as it may. My list still stands. If you are one of these people, I recommend you change your ways or stop reading right away.
1. Bikers and skiers. Who wear tight little suits. But aren’t professionals. And who take over the walking trails in winter and the roads in summer and expect all others to bow to the whims of their hobbies.
2. People who wear tight little suits of any kind.
3. People who think whispering is less of a disturbance than quiet speech. How. How can you think this. Even super smart amazing people think this, but they are wrong. Sssssssssssssss.
4. People who drive through an intersection while you’re still in the crosswalk. I do this a lot because I’m a big important person with PLACES TO BE LIKE, TEN MINUTES AGO, HELLLOO YOU HUMAN TURTLES. But when people do it to me? I look up the specific law that says you’re not supposed to do that, type it in double large font, print it on day-glo paper, find their house, and nail it to their pillow so it’s the first thing they’ll see every morning. Only then am I satisfied.
5. People who talk to me while I’m most obviously trying to write super crucial things, like this list.
6. People who talk to me.
7. People who don’t talk to me.
8. People who don’t drink real milk. Even if you’re lactose intolerant, you should drink real milk. I’m so serious right now. I’ve probably never been this serious in my entire life.
9. People who can shuffle cards without hurting themselves. If they are “people”.
10. Conspiracy theorists, paranoiacs, and people who think they know everything and are the judge of everyone else.
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