Sauce: This ain’t humor, it’s just the cold, bleak truth.

The world is full of pain.

People ask me, “why can’t you be serious? In a world full of doom and despair, do you really think it’s appropriate to be so gleeful?”

Okay, nobody has ever asked me that.

But in case someone ever does, here’s my answer.

Yes, the world is a terrible place and without laughter it would be even more terrible, so I feel like I’m contributing to the greater good by sacrificing my dignity for a few yuk yuks (note: all comedians, humorists, cartoonists, and even mildly funny people are actually just super lazy from a philanthropic sense. The easiest thing we can do is make people smile a little, so we usually just settle for that instead of raising millions through global charities and saving lives and stuff).

Also, who says I don’t acknowledge pain? In fact, for your edification, here’s a scientifically proven list of the top ten most painful and traumatic experiences a human can suffer through, from least to most devastating.

10. Death of a houseplant

9. Death of a friend’s pet

8. Death of your own pet

7. Death of a loved one

6. Your own slow, lingering death

5. Death of the person you murdered

4. Death of the fifty people you murdered and kept in your basement

3. Death of JFK

2. Death of the environment

1. Dropping a shampoo bottle on your foot in the shower three times in a row.

Comments

Welcome to Weirdness!

Hi, world, and welcome to “The Password’s Lasagna”! One day I’ll share where that name came from - for now, just revel in the wonderful idioticity of the word “Lasagna”. Say it over and over again. Let it flip off your tongue in all its gleeful lasagnaness. Say it until it means nothing, say it ‘til it means everything. Lasagna. It’s a word with many layers. Moving on quickly now... I have to wonder if, in a year, I will regret this first post. I’ll think “what kind of imbecilic idiot was I, to think starting a blog would be a good idea?” As if there aren’t more constructive things to do. Like...fishing. Or hunter-gathering (which is the sport of gathering as many hunters as possible in one weekend and stuffing them all in the back of a closed pickup, preferably with a limb or so hanging out and dripping blood). Or making clay...things. Useful things. Mugs and the like. Or I could be chillin...

Noodles: It’s autumn, all of you.

Hi world. It’s me, your favorite super sheltered, extremely Scandinavian, strangely endearing pile of soggy, tomato-drenched crinkly noodles! Otherwise known as Baby Swedish Lasagna under an Inadequate Tent. The reason I bring up my origins is this: I grew up without hearing anyone say “y’all”. I believe the contraction never crossed my path outside of a book until middle school, when it became trendy among my equally sheltered, pale-skinned friends. I started saying it often, with little understanding of its pronunciation, spelling, or proper usage. At some point, perhaps in a fit of cultural sensitivity, maybe after the madness of middle school had seeped out of my neurons, I stopped using it. Except in emails. Yes, my friends, I am an email y’aller. It just works for the already-awkward group conversations. There’s honestly no equivalent in northern dialect. Check it out. “You guys.” Offensive to feminists. “You girls.” Offensive...

Cheese: I think I know what “disconcerting” truly is now.

It’s hearing someone whisper the words “hot and spicy pizza” out of context while your back is turned to them and what they’re saying is literally none of your business and three inch long unidentified bugs are landing in your hair. But that’s beside the point. Today is all about the cartoons, after all. Unfortunately, I don’t have any prepared except one which might possibly be the most subversive cartoon I’ve done to date. Again, most unfortunately, I’m not in the mood to shock and offend at this exact moment, so I’m going to take the easy road and publish this completely unnoffensive little sketch of a cute mushroom-hatted person. (Psst, it’s not funny, it’s just cute and I don’t know why I expect you to want to look at it, but just humor me.)

The Password’s Lasagna.

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