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Noodles: Never enough.

I’m trying to increase traffic on this blog, because it’s a crying shame for there to be people in this world who have still not been afflicted with what I got to say.
Because I don’t know many people with blogs, and I don’t understand how the world, or the internet, works, I turned to Google, as we all do in this enlightened day and age. After skimming around websites like “YOU TOO can make $20,000,000 a day at home with your blog.com” and “Wanna know how I got so successful? It wasn’t by hard work.me.com”, and reading a lot of articles, I got bored and ended up retaining only one piece of information: 
Use key words in your blog.  
I don’t know what a key word is.  I have a vague idea it’s those things people commonly search for in Google. Kind of like “how to increase blog traffic on my blog like now.” 
As to how to use them in my blog - do they have to be mentioned in a few posts? Do I need to titles posts things like “how to be rich instantly”? Do I have to rename my blog something like “how to not be single”? And of course, if my blog was about “strange lump on lower left leg I don’t remember hitting it on anything is it cancer”, then I’m sure I’d have ten million views by nightfall.  
Unfortunately, in the tangle of randomly generated words that appear on these pages, it’s unlikely that more than a dozen or so of them will strike popular interest.  So I’ve decided to devote this post to attracting some more generic readership.  
Hear that, people?  Listen up!  Key words coming up hot!
(Disclaimer: For this post, I have actually done real research, consisting of typing random letters of the alphabet into Google and seeing what happens. I was only mildly traumatized by the amount of labor involved.)
Alrighty, got some nice major brand names...
Best Buy
Calculator (okay, that might have come up because I frequently use online calculators because....why? I don’t know. I’m a math genius. I guess to see if the calculators get the answers right consistently. Because if they don’t, I can tell.)
Dominos 
ESPN
Food near me (ah, kindred human spirits...how many souls have typed that sweet, simple, prehistoric-sounding line?)
Google flights (that’s kind of what I’m doing)
Houston Astros (I don’t know, either)
It chapter 2 (again...I don’t know)
Jimmy Johns 
Kate Upton (who is....famous, presumably)
Lakers
MLB scores
National vs Astros (what is up with the Astros???)
Once upon a time in Hollywood (that sounds like a weird thing for multiple people to have Googled, but I’m rolling with it)
Party city (because that’s the place to be)
Pizza near me (again...sweet empathy)
Quadratic formula (college students, 2am, surfing the internet doing homework: “hey, did you see question 12? What’s a quadratic formula? Did Professor Flannelpants talk about those? I was like, asleep.” “Yo, bro, just Google it. I was totally trippin that day so like, I don’t know man.”
Redbox (presumably a box, that is red)
Strong smell in underpants (that’s what came up, I’m sorry but I feel like that’s a great series of key words that will attract highly attractive individuals to my blog with all possible haste)
Trump (of course)
Uber eats (as does everyone else)
Vroom (VRRRROOOOMMM!!!!!)
Where am I (slightly worrisome)
Xbox game pass
Y are u running (I don’t know, y didn’t you use “r” instead of “are” and save yourself a little trouble?)
Zombieland 2 (mmm, my favorite show...movie?...show...)

There you have it!  My people seem to be concerned with sports, food, having a good time, smelling funny, existential problems, and not failing math on very little sleep.
Come to me, all ye vast and weary hordes!!!!!



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