Sauce: Da bald truth.

So, since my last post was pretty shallow, let’s move on to topics involving national security and stuff of utter importance. And stuff. Shall we?

I don’t know about you, but I used to think bald guys were cool. They’re obviously very humble and they’re low maintenance. They don’t need shampoo or conditioner, they don’t get tangles or bed-head, they aren’t constantly flipping their bangs out of their dreamy eyes...they’re unaffected by all the needs and problems of your average fluffy human. Plus they all automatically look like Mr. Clean. How attractive. But that was before I was stuck sitting behind a bald dude for two hours last week. I had time to memorize every pore on his scalp, and realized five things about bald guys that I’d never known before. Are you taking notes? ‘Kay, good.

1. Scalps have pores.

2. When you’re bald, they become visible.

3. Also some people have skin folds on the backs of their heads, ditto number 2.

4. Bald guys must be kept in a carefully monitored indoor environment at all times to prevent ultra-violet flaying and frostbite.

5. Hair grows back. Continually. Which means - bald guys must shave their heads constantly to maintain that glistening sheen! Which means - being bald is actually way higher maintenance than having hair! Which means - it’s all a lie!

I’ve since transferred my affections to guys with knee-length dreadlocks and only one pair of socks.

Just...if you see one, don’t tell him where I live...because he’s probably a psychopath.

Thank you

Comments

Noodles: It’s autumn, all of you.

Hi world. It’s me, your favorite super sheltered, extremely Scandinavian, strangely endearing pile of soggy, tomato-drenched crinkly noodles! Otherwise known as Baby Swedish Lasagna under an Inadequate Tent. The reason I bring up my origins is this: I grew up without hearing anyone say “y’all”. I believe the contraction never crossed my path outside of a book until middle school, when it became trendy among my equally sheltered, pale-skinned friends. I started saying it often, with little understanding of its pronunciation, spelling, or proper usage. At some point, perhaps in a fit of cultural sensitivity, maybe after the madness of middle school had seeped out of my neurons, I stopped using it. Except in emails. Yes, my friends, I am an email y’aller. It just works for the already-awkward group conversations. There’s honestly no equivalent in northern dialect. Check it out. “You guys.” Offensive to feminists. “You girls.” Offensive...

Sauce: Peeved - A Ditty.

Hello world, welcome to the dumbest thing I’ve ever written. It helps if you sing it with gusto. (Hint: UIKEYINPUTDOWNARROWgive “favorite” and “chocolate” three syllables.) Dun dun dun... ...If you’d rather eat spaghetti With butter, And if petting armadillos makes your bitty heart flutter, If you wear twenty-three inch plugs And you snack on creepy bugs, And you turn off the radio before Your very favorite song ends, If you dance to rapping only And you never just be lonely, Then I think we cannot ever quite be friends. If you like to play the tuba And get thrills at going scuba Diving with a pack of grumbly-tumbly sharks, If you stick Q-tips up your nose And knit socks for all your toes And deface all the bathrooms in the parks, If you get joy from picking peanuts Out from every tin of mixed nuts And don’t laugh at jokes that center on Depends, If you run away from cats And feed cho...

Noodles: There are just some things you can’t ask your doctor.

So you turn instead to Google and let your questions be seen by all the world, including snoops like me. I happened to look up a strange sensation I’ve been experiencing lately (yes, I do it too, and yes, I’m probably on the brink of death) that involves a crawling sensation on the back of my scalp. Since it’s not tick season, I assume it’s a tiny person attempting to scale my head in order to have a look around. Unfortunately, I wear a lot of hats this time of year so even if they make it to the top, they aren’t likely to see much. But that’s not the point. If you ask Google to give you any information involving tingling sensations and your own head, it will immediately throw at you a list of questions asked by similar unfortunate individuals, along with the all-knowing answers provided by an unspecified internet friend. Some of them make you shake your head in pity, such as this sad, lonely soul, who asks, “Can I test myself for a brain tumor?” The answer is undecided...

The Password’s Lasagna.

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