Noodles: A few statistics.

I was going to talk about statistics today, but then the Bald Man walked by and distracted me.
Yes, the same one.
But I’m not afraid for my life or anything.
Not at all.
Anyway, he did you a service because statistics are boring.
For example, it’s not even remotely exciting that someone with an iPhone has viewed this blog over four hundred times since its miraculous birth. Nope. It’s sad, really. I’m picturing this lonely little person, standing in line at a major department store, holding an 85 pound basket of dry goods, arranged most cannily to discretely cover several shameful sanitary items. (Like...gasp...“Debrox”...which is a thing that removes ear wax. From your ears, I assume. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned an actual brand name on here because of copyright laws, but I’m sure if they find out they’ll be glad to sponsor me:

Is your family tired of yelling directly into your ear via megaphone to get their complaints heard?Has your doctor recommend surgical ear wax removal in the last six months to a year? Are you tired of fighting a continuous, losing battle with mouthwash, toothpicks, and pipe cleaners? Try Debrox: It’s the ONLY way to clean your precious nasty ears.

They’d make a mint, I’m telling you. Anyway. Back to...)

...This tragic, ear-be-waxled...be-waxdazzle-eared...be-earwax-doozled...this pathetic soul...Sob. What do they have to look forward to, day after day, hour after hour, as they stand in the spiritual desert that is the check-out line, patiently waiting for a merciful death?
Well folks.
Let me tell you. They can (if they have an iPhone, of course) read this blog!
And apparently they are doing so!
Congratulations!
Only fifty more people in line ahead of you and you’re getting older by the minute!

Comments

Welcome to Weirdness!

Hi, world, and welcome to “The Password’s Lasagna”! One day I’ll share where that name came from - for now, just revel in the wonderful idioticity of the word “Lasagna”. Say it over and over again. Let it flip off your tongue in all its gleeful lasagnaness. Say it until it means nothing, say it ‘til it means everything. Lasagna. It’s a word with many layers. Moving on quickly now... I have to wonder if, in a year, I will regret this first post. I’ll think “what kind of imbecilic idiot was I, to think starting a blog would be a good idea?” As if there aren’t more constructive things to do. Like...fishing. Or hunter-gathering (which is the sport of gathering as many hunters as possible in one weekend and stuffing them all in the back of a closed pickup, preferably with a limb or so hanging out and dripping blood). Or making clay...things. Useful things. Mugs and the like. Or I could be chillin...

Noodles: It’s autumn, all of you.

Hi world. It’s me, your favorite super sheltered, extremely Scandinavian, strangely endearing pile of soggy, tomato-drenched crinkly noodles! Otherwise known as Baby Swedish Lasagna under an Inadequate Tent. The reason I bring up my origins is this: I grew up without hearing anyone say “y’all”. I believe the contraction never crossed my path outside of a book until middle school, when it became trendy among my equally sheltered, pale-skinned friends. I started saying it often, with little understanding of its pronunciation, spelling, or proper usage. At some point, perhaps in a fit of cultural sensitivity, maybe after the madness of middle school had seeped out of my neurons, I stopped using it. Except in emails. Yes, my friends, I am an email y’aller. It just works for the already-awkward group conversations. There’s honestly no equivalent in northern dialect. Check it out. “You guys.” Offensive to feminists. “You girls.” Offensive...

Cheese: I think I know what “disconcerting” truly is now.

It’s hearing someone whisper the words “hot and spicy pizza” out of context while your back is turned to them and what they’re saying is literally none of your business and three inch long unidentified bugs are landing in your hair. But that’s beside the point. Today is all about the cartoons, after all. Unfortunately, I don’t have any prepared except one which might possibly be the most subversive cartoon I’ve done to date. Again, most unfortunately, I’m not in the mood to shock and offend at this exact moment, so I’m going to take the easy road and publish this completely unnoffensive little sketch of a cute mushroom-hatted person. (Psst, it’s not funny, it’s just cute and I don’t know why I expect you to want to look at it, but just humor me.)

The Password’s Lasagna.

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